karma

today, for some reasons, i started contemplating on the concept of karma. by the end of the day, i wanted to tell you that what goes around comes around.... twice as hard.... and i hope you happen to enjoy pain.
but then before i can gain any pleasure from karma paying you a visit (and when will that be, anyway?), i became so occupied with anger and the idea of revenge. i wished you would work away your life with nothing and grow old alone. how i hope to see you fall....... i think i am taking the whole thing out of proportion.
at the attempt to give myself some inner peace, i turned to alain de botton's essays in love. it goes like this: however unfortunate rejection may be, can we really equate loving with selflessness, and rejection with cruelty, can we really equate love with goodness and indifference with evil?
we all understand what de botton is leading to. and this is perhaps some philosophical food for thought, if i have not recently broke up.
along the rational line, i should know anger does not entitle me to blame anyone. and afterall, who has the right to demand to be loved?
though i have, to myself, everything explained, analysed and turned into past tense, it is still far away from close case. as much as i understand the old cliche that to forgive others is to forgive onself, i still hope that the separation inflict as much, if not more, damage to you as it did to me.

i hope you can't sleep tonight, or wake up with a shock in the middle of the night