nineteenth of august

unlike its counterparts in the past 4 years, this day, the nineteenth of august, went by unremarkably.

or so it seems.

I would describe today as more than a mere ‘discomfort’. If I had a choice, I want to erase this particular day from the calendar. but the sad truth is, much against my will, I still have to report to work today. It even amazed me how I managed to serve a marathon 9.5-hour term.

indeed why I have to bear all this on my own, while I know my birthday is not going to inflict any impact on you? precisely, why should I feel like shit on your birthday?

Is it because I am no longer the first person to say happy birthday at 12am? Is it because I no longer make a fuss about how to celebrate and what gift I should get you? Is it because I somehow know that you will celebrate with a special someone other than me?

They may all be true.

Try putting it another way-

You no longer have me to say the first happy birthday at 12am. You no longer have some silly girl who makes a fuss about making sure you are happy on your birthday by getting the right restaurant and gift. You no longer celebrate your birthday with me.

I am beginning to see that this day is never special on its own. It was only my subjective will and conscious effort to make it special for you. on the twenty-sixth of may, when destiny took one of its most unexpected & terrible turn, your birthday is already doomed to lose its magical capacity. And now, with every bit of my will power, I withdraw all the importance once immensely assigned on this day.

The nineteenth of august will return to where it once belong, an unremarkable, uneventful day on the calendar.