旅行的意義

旅行是一件奇怪的事情。我們花很多時間和心思選擇旅行目的地，計劃行程、食盡地道的美食、坐那一班機可以早去晚返、住那一間酒店最四通八達......其實，真正重要的，是旅行的伴侶。

我講過好幾次，我覺得韓國不是一個理想的旅社目的地，因為既無提供天然美境，更無特別景點(如設計、博物館、美術館等等)，加上食物好似來來去去都一樣.......不過今天我見到的是，韓國可以"好好玩"。相片不但帶出景物的美感，同時傳達了一份感情。你相機鏡頭中的她，好幸福。雖然我跟你不熟，但都要講，恭喜你，阿嫂。

facebook的照片

昨天去參加組爸的婚禮。在他對新娘講我願意的一刻，我竟感到一陣陣的感動。我以為自己不相信一生一世的承諾... 其實心底還是有憧憬的(情緒果然是最誠實的朋友)。我的感動，是因為我知道他們都找到了能甘苦與共的終身伴侶。看到他們幸福的結婚照，我想到我自己:一起笑，不難，但能一起哭的人，我怕我不會找到一個。

令我今天由平穩直衝谷底的，叫facebook。照片我是看到了，在單身貴族的新居嘛，咁你究竟想我點???? 我知我可以選擇係newsfeed hide左你，但我天生有自虐的傾向，所以得出的後果是，相片，我逐一的全都看過了。新居，總不會是幾個月內就安排好。結論是，你的計劃中早就沒有這個我。這是你想要我知道的嗎??

我想你成功了，因為我好傷心。

講完。

寶貝的家

即使住進了他家，也住不進他的心。這對我來說是很傷人的說話，特別是因為我覺得你是他，他就是你。
幸福對於他來說，也不是一個人可以建成的。那是因為幸福不建於平常生活，只能以成就的形態出現。因此他需要的是工作上的可靠伙伴(就好像阿銘)，或是帶來靈感的女神(但是有期限的)。可是呢，他只是需要，不是愛。"需要"絕對不等於"愛"。即使他以為自己"愛"上她，其實他愛的從來都只有自己。
他說，寶貝的家是送給天下的寶貝。我說，是天下的寶貝，除了他的。

i'm now in a situation it is clearer than ever that you actually were never there for me, not even back then
i mean never
and i hate you for that

then i'm wondering, do you hate me back? do i ever cross your mind during the day? or have you already forgotten about me?
i wouldn't ask, cuz i have too much pride

it still hurt when i think about how i can mean nothing to you now, as if it would be better if only you could hate me

west kowloon cultural district, the master plans, the maze, and the vanishing tour

the govt begins today the 2nd phase of its "public engagement exercise" on the development of west kowloon cultural district. i've seen in the news brief introduction on the 3 master plans put forward by foster & partners, OMA & Rocco Yim. keen to find out more, i went to the website of West Kowloon District authority. so there i was, swimming through a sea of official speeches, uesless info, FAQs, pictures of govt officials attending kick-off ceremony, etc.

after some sort of treasure-hunting, there i finally found something nearly as close as what i intended to find, under "newsroom"-> "press release":

"The Conceptual Plan Options will be presented to the public in the form of scale models, interactive 3D models, photomontages and animated videos. They will be available for viewing and comment during a series of exhibitions across the territory, public forums as well as on the Authority’s website. Interested public may also join guided tours to learn more about the three plans. For more information on the event calendar and how to participate, please visit www.wkcda.hk."

isn't that where i'm already standing?? www.wkcda.hk??? did i miss them altogether? the 3D models? interactive stuff? vids?? ok, let's do it all over again. your best guess, under whcih category do you think the 3 master plans are hiding?

"what's new"? (hmm.. could be)
"background of wkcd"? (no way)
"about wkcda"? (do u really wanna know?)
"public engagement exercise"? (possible....)
"organizational structure & manpower plan"? (what the hell is that??)
"meetings"? (of what? with whom??)
"newsroom"? (didn't i just go there?)
"publications"? (na...)
"useful information"? (useful? did i hear useful??)
"multimedia gallery"? (suspicious........)
"FAQ"? (i do hv a question in mind, where do i find the......oh, nevermind)
"job opportunities"? (hahahaha)
"tender notices"? (oh, give me a break!)
"related links"? (kinda curious what they can be....)

for time saving, let me walk you out of the maze.
you should go "public engagment exercse"-> "stage 2 PE exercise"->and there you will be presented with 8 subcategoes. ignore the other 7 options and click "conceptual plan options"
and THERE YOU ARE!!!!

and it would have been very kind of me if i told you earlier that actually: the vid- won't play, the interactive models- doesn't work, the presentation panels- those words too small to read

unless i want you to also scream the same burning questions:

WHERE THE FUCK IS "THE SERIES OF EXHIBITIONS TOURING THE TERRITORY"???
(OF COURSE, APART FROM SEEING IN YOUR SPEECH)WHERE THE FUCK DO I SEE THE "3D MODELS, INTERACTIVE VIDS?
WHERE? WHERE? AND WHERE??????

what do i do? do i wait somewhere within 'the territory' for the exhibitions to arrive?

nineteenth of august

unlike its counterparts in the past 4 years, this day, the nineteenth of august, went by unremarkably.

or so it seems.

I would describe today as more than a mere ‘discomfort’. If I had a choice, I want to erase this particular day from the calendar. but the sad truth is, much against my will, I still have to report to work today. It even amazed me how I managed to serve a marathon 9.5-hour term.

indeed why I have to bear all this on my own, while I know my birthday is not going to inflict any impact on you? precisely, why should I feel like shit on your birthday?

Is it because I am no longer the first person to say happy birthday at 12am? Is it because I no longer make a fuss about how to celebrate and what gift I should get you? Is it because I somehow know that you will celebrate with a special someone other than me?

They may all be true.

Try putting it another way-

You no longer have me to say the first happy birthday at 12am. You no longer have some silly girl who makes a fuss about making sure you are happy on your birthday by getting the right restaurant and gift. You no longer celebrate your birthday with me.

I am beginning to see that this day is never special on its own. It was only my subjective will and conscious effort to make it special for you. on the twenty-sixth of may, when destiny took one of its most unexpected & terrible turn, your birthday is already doomed to lose its magical capacity. And now, with every bit of my will power, I withdraw all the importance once immensely assigned on this day.

The nineteenth of august will return to where it once belong, an unremarkable, uneventful day on the calendar.

karma

today, for some reasons, i started contemplating on the concept of karma. by the end of the day, i wanted to tell you that what goes around comes around.... twice as hard.... and i hope you happen to enjoy pain.
but then before i can gain any pleasure from karma paying you a visit (and when will that be, anyway?), i became so occupied with anger and the idea of revenge. i wished you would work away your life with nothing and grow old alone. how i hope to see you fall....... i think i am taking the whole thing out of proportion.
at the attempt to give myself some inner peace, i turned to alain de botton's essays in love. it goes like this: however unfortunate rejection may be, can we really equate loving with selflessness, and rejection with cruelty, can we really equate love with goodness and indifference with evil?
we all understand what de botton is leading to. and this is perhaps some philosophical food for thought, if i have not recently broke up.
along the rational line, i should know anger does not entitle me to blame anyone. and afterall, who has the right to demand to be loved?
though i have, to myself, everything explained, analysed and turned into past tense, it is still far away from close case. as much as i understand the old cliche that to forgive others is to forgive onself, i still hope that the separation inflict as much, if not more, damage to you as it did to me.

i hope you can't sleep tonight, or wake up with a shock in the middle of the night

yes, i was going to scream at you and throw it back at your face.
exept i didn't cuz i was too occupied crying.

and i did think about mailing you back the money.
but then i thought i'd rather spend it.
actually i didn't, the two twenty dollar notes still lying on my desk.

that's three level of my consciousness working simultaneously

how many times i told myself, the guy doesn't love the girl and he breaks up with her- end of story. i need to move on. but what does it take to move on?

i want to erase that part of my memory. can i have them extracted?

i must hv been living in dreams but the feelings are so real.

my phone, i-pod, hi-fi, purse, watch & many other things

today i realized the only downside of taking gifts from bf is perhaps you don't want to use them anymore after that guy became the EX.

no kidding, for this reason i have deprived myself of music for a month because apparently i don't want to use the i-pod or the hi-fi at home.

i can quit music (for some while) but how am i supposed to survive a day WITHOUT a mobile phone??? how do i manage a break up AND a cut-away-from-the-world??? so i keep using anyway and avoid looking at those pics of us stored in the phone. and truth be told i didn't erase them.

i loath using that purse. don't take me wrong it's a very nice purse. but last night when i cleared everything that's inside, i found a photo sticker of us together taken in 2006 and his business cards. i have no idea why i had to carry them around with me. but looking at them broke my heart. now i'm using a little purse the size of an octopus card, so i have to fold all the dollar notes into 1/3. and if ur a fd, give me no more coins, no space for them.

btw, i'll try not to wear the watch. but i wore it by mistake this morning as it became a reflex to grab it around my wrist.

actually, is it necessary to avoid using all these stuff?? i mean, they are MINE. those may be the only stuff that are MINE and YOU DID"T BREAK

你以為愛 就是被愛 你揮霍了我的崇拜

你的姿態 你的青睞
我存在在你的存在
你以為愛 就是被愛
你揮霍了我的崇拜

我活了 我愛了 我都不管了
心愛到瘋了 恨到算了就好了
可能的 可以的 真的可惜了
幸福好不容易 怎麼你卻不敢了呢？

我還以為我們能 不同於別人
我還以為不可能的 不會不可能

你的姿態 你的青睞
我存在在你的存在
你以為愛 就是被愛
你揮霍了我的崇拜

我活了 我愛了 我都不管了
心愛到瘋了 恨到算了就好了
可能的 可以的 真的可惜了
幸福好不容易 怎麼你卻不敢了呢？

我還以為我們能 不同於別人
我還以為不可能的 不會不可能

你的姿態 你的青睞
我存在在你的存在
你以為愛 就是被愛
你揮霍了我的崇拜

風箏有風
海豚有海
我存在在我的存在
所以明白 所以離開
所以不再為愛而愛
自己存在 在你之外

this pain that won't ease by putting into words, feels as if my heart is aching. would you pls, make it go away, & set me free

我放不開 不是故意對你耍賴

時間一分分的飄過
畫面一層層的剝落
街邊相對的兩個人
沒有話說

許過的願沒有兌現
擁抱也少了一點點
沒有了愛的兩個人
有點陌生

我分不開
我是否在 也對一切留戀不捨
我放不開
不是故意對你耍賴

想一個人
卻不犧牲 過去一切對你依賴
我分不開
我們繼續兩個人

我分不開
我是否在 也對一切留戀不捨
我放不開
不是故意對你耍賴

想一個人
卻不犧牲 過去一切對你依賴
我分不開
我們繼續兩個人

i miss you

you are everywhere i go. so i try not going anywhere at all. but you were there, even when i shut myself in the room. it's your absence, that is felt so immensely, so vividly.

for hours, i was drown in a flight of thoughts, a well of memories, your joy, your sorrow, our happy faces.

i wanted to say i'm so sorry. but i doubt if you would take any of my words, or what i say actually matters anymore. my last hope will perish, as you tell me it's nothing i have done wrong, you simply don't love me anymore.

If I hate anyone that will be myself. I hate myself because I failed you. For me you tried to be all you can. You showed me the greatest kindness. Now I can only look back in regrets, all the wrongs that I did, all the harm that I caused. I wish I could take them back.

Last night I cried myself to sleep. I was so scared that I am starting to lose some of our memories together. I tried to recall what we did last Christmas, Valentines’ day, each other’s birthday. It hurts that those important chapters of life we spent together, they fade with time.

At work, I seem normal. Clock in, clock out. And the day went by.

I hate time at home. Tears running, like an open wound. I cannot explain what I feel. It is so painful as if I was literally torn part.

At times, I feel numb. I am not myself anymore. I stare without watching, hear without listening. I forget things. I am out of my mind.

2nd sem 的完結篇

2nd sem就這樣以一堆deadline作結了。現在心情說不上是輕鬆，因為我知道暑假只有短短的3個月。

上星期六剛好是博物館日，下午我跟羊羊羊去左museum of art。其實只要見過下世面都知香港的museum of art d展覽通常都好yap!不過我地剛好join左一堂導賞，都算學到野。除左因為導賞員好pro，都因為我的知識好貧乏!!!真係唔好以為水墨畫求求其其畫幾筆就得!作畫的人是要花很多心思去經營(好文雅私動詞!!)畫的構圖的!!而且筆法很講究，咩破墨呀、積墨呀…..都係第一次聽咋!從來都唔識得欣賞中國畫的我，現在知道一定要了解埋作畫的人的生平才可以領略中國文人畫的精髓。我猛叫羊羊羊抄低 d優雅既形容詞和動詞，除左覺得佢可能遲d in curator時有用，其實係暗中expect仍可能會整理番一份notes俾我的!!哈哈!!在此順祝羊羊羊interview成功喔!!!!

晚上跟master的同學仔去太子的警務人員xx會度燒野食。環境跟食物都不錯耶! (而且地點實在好方便!)明顯完成功課後的同學仔個樣都醒目d!其實有這班同學仔好可能是我讀呢個master既最大收穫…..因為我唔知讀完之後究竟會唔會有機會學以致用…….(好可能係無…….灰…@ @…..)Uncle Harry的一席話確是當頭棒喝!!我是很容易迷失的人……

另，我想跟朋友去學yoga，但咁多yoga中心都執笠wor!咁點先?!!?還是在家中先行練習逆腹式呼吸一下……

(連續好多個)星期日的下午

出動可樂、零食......我音樂都唔開!!不過都阻止唔到我篇essay步向死亡之中。與此同時，我家的貓兒正懶洋洋地享受陽光.... 我再次覺得人真係一種好鐘意攞苦黎辛既動物，不懂得活在當下，單純地享受一下好天氣。試下俾我得閒到攤係度日光浴，我一定好似有野咬咁要找野諗下做下先得安樂....
人總係有份放唔低既self esteem。所以食飯訓覺之餘我地仲要有成個list 既目標要accomplish。完成一項，就挑戰下一項。如果唔係，就開始會怨自己好廢.....
我現在的首項是讀書，隨住暑假來臨，我要再調節一下我的時間表了。太多目標，都要一起進行吧。
太耐無閱讀了，我的書都放那裡?
5月6日之後的是alain de botton

十大推介

1. <陀飛輪> 陳奕迅
人值得命中減少幾秒多買一隻錶?

2. <感同身受> 林宥嘉
出身自星光大道的林宥嘉看來柔弱，原來唱一點rock風格的歌曲也很不錯。

3. <我不要被你記住> 周柏豪
周柏豪是個很有誠意的歌手。自創的曲，林夕的詞。分手後，要把舊情人腦海中一切關於自己的記憶都消滅。

4.<如果生命還有歌> 孫耀威
很有驚喜的孫耀威，作曲填詞，寫於聲帶康復後一首感人的歌。

5. <記住記住> 王宛之
王宛之說 : 太愛一個人會愛得害怕，害怕有一天如果這愛到盡頭了，生命中還有什麼可依靠?

6. <無人之境> 陳奕迅
這個世界最壞罪名　叫太易動情　但我喜歡這罪名

7. <眠眠> 農夫
香港人心聲

8. monkey majik

輕快的曲風、簡單的旋律、直接的歌詞

9. <心足> 王梓軒
不錯的歌聲，但好像在唱英文歌

10. <畫沙> 袁詠琳、周杰倫
一聽以為是周杰倫的作品，原來出自徒弟的手。其實還是期待師父的作品。

發村姑夢

不知從某年某月某日起，我發覺自己是很適合當一個村姑的。其實我不太嚮往hi-tech產品(如 i-phone / i-pad/ i mud i 物)，也不追求極速寬頻上網。(當然，自來水呀、電力呀個d要有lor!) 然後，我會在小鎮開一間小小的麵包店，兼賣荼和coffee的。店內有舒適的小梳化、小茶几、漂亮精緻的枱燈。隨意拿起來有我自己愛讀的書和雜誌。還可以養一隻懶洋洋的貓。

由早上開始，閃過一個個身影，都是趕上學的學生，放下錢、咬住麵包便逃出。然後是趕上班的年青人，有的看起來精神醒目、有的睡眼惺忪的。到了接近中午，買完餸的主婦拖住小孩，也過來喝個茶，聊聊家事。日落西山，小小麵包店歡迎放學後的窮苦學生3個人食一個旦糕，吵吵鬧鬧的，可能是在說老師的壞話....或是談談誰暗戀誰那些話，然後坐到天開始黑了，便依依不捨地回家。到了晚上，正要休息，也許會，幸運地，有路過的旅人，告訴我他旅途上的趣聞.....

堅持下去的勇氣

還可以走下去嗎?我在想。

可能很多人都覺得我很笨，在浪費女人最寶貴的幾年時間。或是覺得我鴕鳥，在逃避現實，到現在還賴在這裡......。我為自己製造的藉口---其實，堅持也很需要勇氣。當然，我還是會不停地想，我做對了嗎?做錯了嗎?可能我是在騙我自己，即使現在要吃苦，到最終努力是會得到回報。我是活在自己的幻覺嗎?
想得很累...

香港->台北->香港

真的好快，2月過了一半。

在台北過了4天。其中3天是下雨的。不過我覺得台灣人真的很幸福:
1. 享有9天的CNY假期- 一直假期到人日
2. 假期可以一家大小去逛誠品-看看書、喝喝茶 、聊聊天。在香港，實在很難找到有益身心的家庭活動，一家人可以扶老攜幼一齊做的通常都是行商場，終於都是在消費。在6層高的誠品信義店，每個家庭成員都可以找到自己喜歡的書籍，滿足一下個人興趣。同時可樂聚天倫，談一下剛在書上看到了什麼有趣的東西。一家人所花不多，就可以過一個有質素的家庭日。

從台北回到香港，回到原來的崗位，面對同樣的問題。不能再用假期來逃避了吧。

dog eats dog

of course we know this is a dog eats dog world... becuz i try to be a nice person while i still need to protect myself. the two aims are quite contradictory. so most of the time, i just find the balance. but sometimes i just cannot regulate myself.

and then it's almost time to pandora.....

無聊事一

昨晚上assessment的課，因為呢個course本身是好難令人提起興趣，因此大家都在昏迷的邊緣掙扎中....class exercise是要我們諗下"family cohesion"(家庭凝聚力)呢個abstract的concept可以如何變得measurable。於是我們brainstorm一些比較concrete的domain，來tap into這個concept。
大家舉出很多例子，如"frequency of family gathering", "affection towards each other", "mutual support"....etc
當有同學提出"celebration of birthday"時，我便無聊地唱: happy birthday happy birthday happy birthday to you!
同學甲: 你唱既係tvb version wor!
同學乙:其實我地同tvb關係都幾親密，年年都一齊慶祝生日....
全部人: 哈哈哈哈哈哈

回家後上student connect check成績，竟然有2A1B! 奇怪...............

知恥近乎勇

語本《禮記．中庸》
子曰：「"好學近乎知。力行近乎仁。知恥近乎勇"。知斯三者，則知所以脩身。知所以脩身， 則知所以治人。知所以治人，則知所以治天下國家矣。」
孔子說：「喜歡研究學問，就能變得有智慧。努力修身，就能具有仁德。知道何為羞恥，就能勇於改過遷善。」

恥，是一種具有檢討意志的慚愧心、羞恥心。知恥的人，是對於自己有所不知、力有不及、心有不正及種種的不足後，會勇敢的、發奮圖強的、力求向上的且努力不懈的進步。知恥的人因為肯面對自己的缺失並能認錯改過，不僅過往的缺失得已逐一修正並且增長自身品德。

當我昨晚在lecture上看過同學的presentation後，腦海中就立刻浮現出這五個大字。

不要誤會，知恥的是我，不是他人。從他們身上看到了自己的缺失。

瘋狂週末 (下)

當我寫到瘋狂週末 (下)之時已是一星期的中間(星期三呀!)了~其實本星期都算瘋狂的，因為我不斷地在office寫blog，我到底想點???

星期六晚上跟中同聚餐，她們是真正的姊妹，因為我們真的認識好久好久，見證大家成長，身邊的男友交替，亦即是一起做錯，再一起爬番起身那種。這些經歷，不是我願意花三晚通宵告訴你你便會明白的。然而，隨時間流動，我們各自都走向了不同的方向，心中有不同的計劃。不是說做朋友可以和而不同嗎?只是我要說的她們都不會明白，我也害怕再解釋。好姊妹可以聚在一起是很難得的，即使是瘋狂唱K唱到凌晨兩點.....

瘋狂週末 (中)

星期六中午到蘭芳園吃。撈丁沒有記憶中好吃，但是奶茶仍然是最棒的~我不知從何時起養成了上畫一杯 coffee / tea下晝一杯 coffee / tea的習慣。而這個咁激動的習慣都竟然有個知音人!!!如果離開了，還有這個 luxury嗎?

然後到西九看雙年展--
展出的作品有某些都蠻有趣的，只是現場的其他景象比展品本身更具觀賞價值。例如難得可以零距一親香港的天空、看看維港的浪花。
另，我不能理解這個怪異的社會現象--好些手持單鏡反光的龍友跟90後的女孩子三五成群的周圍拍照(通常是=龍友x 1 + 90後女孩x 2)。那些90後濃妝到呢.....於是我跟florence都不禁在想，他們是否在網上認識，咁啱個龍友想練習影相，而咁啱個90後想俾人影相，於是就咁一"拍"即合呢?咁個龍友係咪無收錢?定係個90後益街坊呢?那麼網上認識的人真的可靠嗎?90後就不怕遇上騙子嗎?龍友教你擺的pose，你會(夠膽)擺嗎?噢，太複雜了，暫沒有ram處理。

瘋狂週末 (上)

剛剛度過了一個瘋狂的週末-
星期五晚一放工即急急腳落銅記打邊爐。其實星期五下晝已無心工作，只顧打電話訂位&聯絡同學仔。我們一行5人，野食唔係叫左好多，但係就口水最多。7點食到11點幾。仲興之所至要叫支啤酒飲下咁話!兩杯過後，helen說過我地任何一個N年後結婚只要請佢佢都一定會到!還有yingkit在我們連番追問之下先肯講出part II的感謝宣言。見識到蛋姑娘對工作的認真和熱忱，我感到既尊敬也羨慕。至於patsy，希望她的煩惱在下次的簽唱會之前已迎刃而解。
多謝各位肯跟我分享你的苦與樂，也聽過我的一番掙扎。我很珍惜跟同學仔一起學習的時間，也很珍惜我們之間超愈同學仔的一份信任。

樓下茶餐廳的老闆

樓下茶餐廳一點不起眼，如果不是在office樓下我應該係唔會幫趁的。但幫趁過後發現其實他們的食物味道不錯，而且足料、不欺場(蛋治的蛋成吋厚ga!)是舊式沒有包裝的實力派! 而且樓下茶餐廳是很有人情味的，熟客有著數!試過有同事買盒$23燒味飯，老闆見生炒糯米飯新鮮出爐咁正，醒左大盒過佢，我們同事甲乙丙都受惠! 老闆人很好，即使我們有時只order一份三文治，如果是非繁忙時間，他都會送上我們office的。

如是者昨天黃昏臨放工我打電話落去order一份腿蛋治自取，諗住邊上堂邊吃。

老闆見到我就問 "唔要我送上黎?"
我 "唔喇，我都走咯"
老闆 "去上堂呀?"
我 "你咁都知?"
老闆 "有樣睇ga ma，你個樣咁上進" (???!!!!)
我 "係lor，咁你都睇得出，咁勁!"
老闆 "咁我希望你早日達成你既目標啦!"

呢刻我突然感到老闆真是一位智者!為什麼他不但可以捉住我個胃，還猜透我個心呢? 承你貴言呀老闆!我會努力的!!!

80後呢個term實在太氾濫了，連我遲鈍的老細都有留意到....為什麼所有工作滿足感低、學歷高收入低等等的負面調查全都針對80後呢?而且不是所有80後都鐘意遊行示威的，其實我是支持高鐵的，只是沒有人家的嗓門大lor!
唔...時事討論完畢
我都應該好好地計劃一下sem2的時間了....我是否付出不夠呢?不如我不顧一切地resign la!唔得wor，我有個12個月installment要供款wor....
改變何時才能實現呢?

sem2開始了

昨天上的第一節課是Body: health & illnesses, lecturer本身是醫生，因此她的教學approach是很scientific 和evidence-based的。這個方法跟之前的experiential learning是很不同的，應該是一個新挑戰。唔...sem 2的第一課已感到有壓力了.....除了應付lecturer 的要求，自己都要求自己可以如何contribute to class learning....希望學習是雙向的。加油加油加油!!!!!